i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
