i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
