Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
