No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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