i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
