Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
