umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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