This is not my ceiling
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
