Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
