i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
