At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
