Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
