wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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