Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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