Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
