I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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