He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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