In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
