My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
