Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
