I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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