she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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