Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
