I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
