I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
