Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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