Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
