He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
