Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
