So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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