he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize