i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
