I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
