I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
