so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
