What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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