I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize