ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I feel great
I just peed on a car
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
