You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
