I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
