escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
