: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
