It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
