they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
