1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
