There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this just has baby written all over it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
