i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
