Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
