dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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