I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
