It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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