Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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