Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You're like the curious george of whores
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize