you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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