why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
