YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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