So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
