mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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