My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
