I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
