Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
