She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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