If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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