When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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