At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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