Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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